Shout out November 14, 2011

To a brilliant blogger! I found this blog, Hyperbole and a Half, thanks to NPR’s recommendation. Just spent the last hour perusing it. Allie’s posts are so insightful, relate-able, and hilarious! Her simple-yet-quirky animations balance beautifully with text discussing often-heavy subjects, allowing the posts to remain as authentic as they are funny. She seems to have found just the right cocktail of campy animations and well-written prose to uniquely capture and express what is going on inside her head.

This blogger really has a talent for reflecting on experiences from ridiculous, abject despair and spiraling depression to consuming, childlike desire (for cake). The posts are unapologetically flavored by what I can only hope are Brosh’s own outsize personality traits and her keen ability to evaluate and, sometimes, make light of her own emotional experiences… a must-read! My favorite post, thus far? “This is Why I’ll Never be an Adult.” It’s so refreshing to see that somebody else experiences the same crazy, funny thoughts even during the spirals and waves of progress. And it’s a delight to hear Brosh tell the story.

Strattera, round two September 13, 2011

OK. So maybe it’s not as easy to get it together as I thought it would be.

After I stopped taking Strattera, I started taking a few herbal supplements and continued trying to change around my life. They worked out great– when I remembered to take them. It turns out that, although I felt like myself on the medication and felt that accomplishing tasks was straightforward and easy, I only felt like that… you guessed it… because of the medication! Even the low dose I was taking had a marked effect on my ability to focus in the long term and manage projects. So, after observing myself on it and observing myself off it– and thoroughly assessing my goals– I decided to give it another go.

I didn’t take my Strattera today, and I am writing this in a moment where the haze has parted somewhat. Because I was stressed out and because I had some wine last night, I didn’t think my stomach could take the medicine today. I still struggle with the side effect of nausea if I don’t time up my food, hydration, and Strattera exactly right. But boy, does it work. This time around is much better. I started with a very low dose that gradually increased over a month’s time, which is how I should have done it all along. I can now see the improvement in my ability to “think in a straight line,” if you will. Funnily enough, plenty of people try to break free of linear thinking; I’m amazed at how fast I can get my bills paid and respond to all of my mail if I can do it for a couple of hours.

It is very tough to admit that you’re not perfect; to admit that this machinery of body & mind is not perfect, and that mine might need some very real chemical intervention in order to do the things I want it to do, is jarring. I suspect most people readily use the cliche “I’m not perfect,” but nobody wants to sit and itemize their flaws. I need to confront mine fearlessly if I am going to eventually get into and succeed in law school. My biggest flaw? I have a procrastination problem. I’d like to use medication long enough to re-learn habits and retrain my brain so it works like it ought to. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen in a couple of months, and now– applying to schools and trying to move– is not the time to do it anyway.

So, back on Strattera. It’s $200 a month and necessitates certain lifestyle changes, such as more or less cutting out alcohol (saves money, ruins happy hours)… and eating ice cream to keep my weight from dropping (that’s just a terrible side effect). Sometimes I’m afraid it’ll tamper with my imaginative nature or alter my sense of self, but I think those fears are unfounded. I’m committing to take it for a full year– and, on my 28th birthday, we’ll reassess. Cheers!