Strattera, round two September 13, 2011

OK. So maybe it’s not as easy to get it together as I thought it would be.

After I stopped taking Strattera, I started taking a few herbal supplements and continued trying to change around my life. They worked out great– when I remembered to take them. It turns out that, although I felt like myself on the medication and felt that accomplishing tasks was straightforward and easy, I only felt like that… you guessed it… because of the medication! Even the low dose I was taking had a marked effect on my ability to focus in the long term and manage projects. So, after observing myself on it and observing myself off it– and thoroughly assessing my goals– I decided to give it another go.

I didn’t take my Strattera today, and I am writing this in a moment where the haze has parted somewhat. Because I was stressed out and because I had some wine last night, I didn’t think my stomach could take the medicine today. I still struggle with the side effect of nausea if I don’t time up my food, hydration, and Strattera exactly right. But boy, does it work. This time around is much better. I started with a very low dose that gradually increased over a month’s time, which is how I should have done it all along. I can now see the improvement in my ability to “think in a straight line,” if you will. Funnily enough, plenty of people try to break free of linear thinking; I’m amazed at how fast I can get my bills paid and respond to all of my mail if I can do it for a couple of hours.

It is very tough to admit that you’re not perfect; to admit that this machinery of body & mind is not perfect, and that mine might need some very real chemical intervention in order to do the things I want it to do, is jarring. I suspect most people readily use the cliche “I’m not perfect,” but nobody wants to sit and itemize their flaws. I need to confront mine fearlessly if I am going to eventually get into and succeed in law school. My biggest flaw? I have a procrastination problem. I’d like to use medication long enough to re-learn habits and retrain my brain so it works like it ought to. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen in a couple of months, and now– applying to schools and trying to move– is not the time to do it anyway.

So, back on Strattera. It’s $200 a month and necessitates certain lifestyle changes, such as more or less cutting out alcohol (saves money, ruins happy hours)… and eating ice cream to keep my weight from dropping (that’s just a terrible side effect). Sometimes I’m afraid it’ll tamper with my imaginative nature or alter my sense of self, but I think those fears are unfounded. I’m committing to take it for a full year– and, on my 28th birthday, we’ll reassess. Cheers!

A Mercy December 5, 2008

A quick note: Toni Morrison’s new book, A Mercy, is a bullet where her other books are adrift… though it’s sharper and leaner than Paradise or Song of Solomon, it’s still Morrison at the top of her game. It still gives you chills, it still weaves together all of its threads at the end, and it opens up those vast and deep caverns of womens’ experience and human bondage that take immense courage to peer into. That hurt is so vast, it threatens to overwhelm us, but Morrison has the courage to bear those stories and bring them into permanent record with the written word. But I digress…

I had the opportunity to see Morrison speak last night at 6th and I Synagogue in DC. She is gracious and sharp; although she’s a Nobel laureate, she is humbled by the grand reception her new novel has received. Morrison read selections from A Mercy for about 20 minutes, and went on to answer questions from the audience. She spoke about the way she felt the morning after Obama’s election: the curious absence she wasn’t expecting, a feeling that a steel band she didn’t know had been wrapped around her forehead was lifted. Asked for her response to a literary critic who says she writes too much about slavery, Morrison simply whipped back: “Who?”

She elaborated on why the door can never be closed on the history of genocide and human bondage, but her one-word response was enough to blow that criticism out of the water. Besides, she’s only written on slavery twice. I can’t blame those critics for feeling overwhelmed by Beloved, though– it haunts me still.

Maybe that’s why people brought copies of every single book she’s written, even the nonfiction pieces in paperback or library sale copies. Morrison was patient and kind, and she signed everyone’s books, uncomplaining, for about 90 minutes after the event. I brought two, and was overwhelmed when she signed my copies of Love and A Mercy. We are so lucky to have Morrison among us, writing and teaching, and being kind enough to meet and speak to her fans. Oh, and everyone should run out and buy this new book… because it’s great.